Navigating friendships when you are dealing with mental health issues is very difficult. You are likely to believe that you can talk to anyone as long as they are your friends and they will automatically “hear”, believe, and support you. I have put “hear” in quotations because this is one of the most important things people with mental health issues need, to be heard. There is no believing or supporting without hearing first. Hearing is more than just listening to someone, it is putting yourself in their shoes, trying hard to understand exactly what they mean, listening to their choice of words, their body language, facial expressions, hand gestures, and mostly being empathetic towards them. Empathy is often the proof they are looking for to believe that you’ve heard them.
Now, when you pour out your whole heart to your friend and in the end, you do not feel heard, it hurts because it feels like your struggles are being dismissed and overlooked. You can often feel unheard when in the end your friend just jumps in to share their own similar experience like they are telling you that you are not the only one, at times this can be good but most often, especially with those with mental health issues it can be invalidating and dismissive because what they need most is for you to actively listen and validate their feelings without overshadowing them with your own experiences. You can also feel unheard when in the end your friend tells you to snap out of it, we all get sad sometimes, just go out more, people out there are having it way more than you, you are not the only one, etc.
Now, when this happens friendships often suffer because those who are battling mental health issues often negate being unheard with being unloved, they get discouraged from talking because what’s the point of talking when you are not going to be heard, and at times they end up not seeing the point of friendship because to them friendship is not helpful in any way and it just makes them feel worse. However, what I’ve learned is that friendships are good and important, and like they say “no man is an island”. You just can not navigate life alone, you need friends, and all you need to do is learn to study your friends.
Human beings are different, we may all be human but we are very distinct. God created beings with diverse personality traits, diverse ways of thinking, and diverse ways of processing emotions. What you need to realize and understand about your friends is that they are not wired the same way. The reason why we get disappointed and hurt when our friends do not respond in the way we expected them to, is because we come to all our friendships with the same expectations. However, when we take time to study our friends we get to realize that they are all good for different things, they all have something different to offer. One may be good at listening, the other may be good at making you laugh, etc. When you actually realize that not all your friends are going to be good at emotional support then you won't try to seek it from all your friendships. You will know who to go to when you want to be heard, you will know who to go to when you want to have fun, you will know who to turn to when you need practical advice, and who to seek out for a deep heart-to-heart conversation. The bottom line is your friends are different and they all have something different to offer.
As we start this new year I encourage you to take time and study your friends. It's okay to put your friends in categories, and know who belongs in the mental health support category, who belongs in the spiritual support category, who belongs in the fun and nice times category, etc. You can do this by looking back at all your friendships and considering the unique strengths and qualities that each friend has. This will help you to know who is and who is not good for what, it will also help you realize that all your friends are important for different reasons, and it will help you to know what to expect from each friend. What I’ve learned from the past year is that friendships are good but navigating them is not easy, it requires a lot of understanding and empathy, and it needs you to constantly figure out how to balance your needs with the needs of your friends. Mostly it requires you to not be lazy to study your friends or to make the effort to understand what each person brings to your life. The sooner you understand your friends, the better for everyone, the sooner you study your friends, the clearer it becomes which friends are beneficial to your mental health. Remember, those who are not beneficial to your mental health are still beneficial in some other ways, so No, do not cut them off, and do not stop investing in them. Study your friends, not all of them are going to be your mental health allies. In this new year, from your friends may you find allies who not only hear your struggles but stand beside you in the journey towards mental well-being.
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