A never ending struggle

Battling anxiety is no child’s play. People with anxiety feel like they have to put in more effort to living life than other people. They wake up each morning and gather strength and courage to face the day. They go through the day fighting a never-ending battle in their minds. They have to keep affirming themselves to stay positive, keep reminding themselves that the world is not out to get them, and that it's all in their heads.

I know all this from experience, for as long as I can remember I had to fight hard to stay afloat each day. There are times when I wish I could just stay in bed forever out of fear of facing the day because facing the day is a struggle. Having conversations with people is a struggle, I fear sounding stupid, I always wonder if I have anything better to contribute. If I do end up saying something, I’m going to spend the whole day beating myself up and wondering if I didn’t sound dumb, and sometimes I would regret even saying something. I would look at and notice every single gesture or expression people make, and my mind would convince me that it's all about me, that they are talking about me, they are laughing at me, etc.

There are times when I fear even going to the shops by myself, taking public transport by myself, or taking walks by myself. I fear even picking up calls regardless of who’s calling (I know it sounds crazy right) but yeah; it's like that, it's just a never-ending struggle. The worst part is that I find it very hard to explain my struggle to people; hence I always make up a story about having a headache or a stomach bug. They are probably wondering why I’m always sick.

The struggle doesn’t end there, it continues through the night. Once you get into bed the struggle becomes even harder. Your mind starts replaying everything that happened during the day, you start beating yourself up all over again for saying stupid things, for saying things you shouldn’t have said, for doing things you shouldn’t have done. Your mind starts reminding you of how people acted when you said certain stuff, it convinces you that they thought you were dumb, it reminds you of their facial expressions to prove its point. At the end of it all, you start breaking down, feeling like you had the worst day ever, feeling like you are the dumbest person to ever exist and that everyone knows it. It's hard to fall asleep, because today has made you even more scared of facing tomorrow. Should you face tomorrow, or should you just quit? Is it worth it or not? It's just a never-ending struggle.