I’ve had mental issues for as long as I can remember, even though I had no idea then that it was mental issues. I remember how I struggled at church specifically, I felt so out of place, I struggled to connect with fellow brethren to a point where I felt so unloved and rejected by God himself. I’m from a charismatic background where they speak in tongues, believe in prophecies, and so forth. This also wasn’t helpful to me at all, in fact, it only made things worse. I didn’t speak in tongues, which made me feel like I was a sinner and there was something wrong with me or my faith and that made me feel more rejected by God.
My struggles were real to a point where I wanted to get to church after the service has started and also be the first person to walk out the door when the service ends, just so I don’t talk to anyone because conversations are a struggle. I would get to church and sit down and cry, not because I was feeling the holy spirit, but I was sad, I only wanted to understand why I was feeling the way I did and why I was feeling so out of place and so rejected. The fact that our churches always throw the faith card on us didn’t help, I was afraid to share what was happening and how I was feeling with anyone. I didn’t want people to tell me that I don’t have faith or I’m demon-possessed, so I struggled alone.
The struggles caused me to keep to myself, but unfortunately, the more I kept to myself; the more others also kept to themselves, and the lonelier and sadder I got. I don’t know what others thought of me, I have no idea why they chose to stay away, I only wish they had tried to reach out, I only wish they had been there, maybe my struggles would have been just a little bit better, but unfortunately, they were not, and my struggles only grew. I eventually avoided going to conferences or youth services where I will be forced to socialize and make conversations, and still no one bothered to find out why, no one reached out.
It's sad that a huge part of the church still takes mental illness for granted. Most of the time we are made to feel like sinners, or we don’t have faith, sometimes we are told to pray as if we don’t. We are even scared to share our struggles for fear of being judged. This is an illness like all other illnesses. Like cancer illness, mental illness requires medication, you are not a sinner when you take antidepressants, going for therapy doesn’t mean something is wrong with your faith, being diagnosed with depression and anxiety doesn’t mean you’ve sinned against God. We are human, we go through a lot, we have traumas and bad experiences that date back to childhood. We need to be kind to ourselves and each other, we need to be more intentional about reaching out and supporting one another. The church needs to be more churchier (whatever that means), it needs to be more loving, more accommodating, and more understanding. Anxiety is an illness, depression is an illness, mental health is just as important as physical and spiritual (as the church calls it) health.