I’m aware, but I'm still struggling

One of the things I have realized about battling mental illness is that being aware doesn't mean the worst is over. Being aware just means you are now dealing with demons you know; you are now fighting a battle you understand. Knowing your triggers doesn't mean you won't be triggered anymore, it just means you’ll now be able to deal with your triggers better, and knowing how to deal with your triggers better doesn't mean you'll always win, sometimes you’ll lose.

I usually say dealing with mental illness is like fighting a never-ending battle, it's an everyday struggle. I sometimes liken it to a merry-go-round or running through a maze. You find a door and you get all excited thinking that you've made it, and then you go through the door only to find yourself back where you started. Like a merry-go-round, you just keep going around in circles. It's like building a house on sand and the minute you get excited that the house is done, the roaring waves of the sea just come and sweep it all away, but you need shelter, so you have no choice but to start all over again.

It's exhausting, it's draining. Unfortunately, at times others get so exhausted that they give in, they get so tired of fighting and throw in the towel. This doesn't mean they were not aware of their struggles; it doesn't mean they had no idea of what they were dealing with, they knew, and they just couldn't take it anymore. At times when a person has given in to depression and committed suicide, you hear people saying things like “but she was going for therapy”, “but she was an advocate for mental illness, so what happened?”, “she was so self-aware, it doesn't make sense.” Well, it does make sense, she was so self-aware, but she was still struggling, she advocated for mental health while still busy fighting her own demons, she was going for therapy, but her battle wasn't over and unfortunately, she lost it at the end.

Battling mental illness at times feels like a lifetime struggle. For some people it can be a short-term struggle but for most it's a fight-to-death kind of struggle. It's definitely a battle we cannot fight on our own, and just because we are aware does not mean we don't need support anymore, and support doesn't mean we won't be struggling anymore. For me this is by far the worst thing about dealing with mental illness, the fact that we can be aware of everything we are dealing with and still suffer. Take anxiety for an example, most of the time I'm aware that my issues are all in my head but that doesn't stop me from projecting, or feeling like everyone is out to get me, it doesn't take away my fear of people, it doesn't boost my self-esteem, etc... Most times I’m able to counter the negativity but sometimes it wins while I am well aware.

Mental Illness sucks. No matter how aware we are we still struggle. We have our best days, and we have our worst, and on our worst, we need people who understand, people who won't get tired of being there, people who know that whether we are mental health advocates or not we still need support, we are still going through the most, we are still battling darkness every day. At times we feel like we are winning, and we are on top of the world, at times we feel like losers, and we just want to shut the curtain, sit in bed and sulk all day. We are well aware, but we are fighting a never-ending battle, and it's just exhausting.

Disclaimer: This blog post does not in any way promote suicide, it is just to create awareness and help others understand how it feels like and what it's like to deal with mental illness daily.

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, please contact @SADAG as soon as possible.

011 234 4837