Her Armour

She is living with anxiety. She wakes up every morning and put on her armor to protect herself from harm through the day, but this is not just any armor, this armor is too heavy and it's a burden on its own. Putting it on takes all the courage and energy any one can muster, keeping it on takes all the strength and every ounce of power in one's body, but nonetheless, she puts it on because she is scared that the world is a cruel place, she fears people and feels like everyone out there is out to get her.

She goes through the day hiding behind the armor, it's so heavy that it drains her of all energy, but she keeps it on still because taking it off is not an option. She doesn’t want the world to see what she is hiding behind the armor, the fear, the vulnerability, the brokenness, the mess. She doesn’t trust the world; she is scared of what the world might do or say if it can once see her for who she is. The world might laugh at her, the world might mock her or ridicule her, no one knows what the world might do, and remember, she wasn’t born this way, she wasn’t born with all these fears, but the world instilled these fears on her. The world taught her to always be on guard, the world taught her to keep herself safe from it.

She has taught herself to be strong no matter how heavy the armor is, she has to bear it for her own good. She feels a little secure as long as the armor is on, though the cruel world still manages to hurt her, at least she still feels safe and in control. By the time she takes off the armor when she gets home, in her comfort and safe space, where she doesn’t have to hide from anyone, she starts falling apart, she starts breaking, she is exhausted, she is exasperated. The armor took its toll on her, but she hung on to it for her dear life. She can still hear the sounds of the bullets that hit on the armor during the day, she can still feel some pain where the bullets hit.

She breaks down, she starts reminiscing on the day, she wonders why the world hates her this much, she wonders why the world has to be this cruel to her. She thinks about all the bullets she saw flying in the air during the day, the grenades that kept on exploding all around her. The sad part about all this, is that she doesn’t realize that half of the bullets and grenades she thinks she saw were just in her mind. The world has hurt her so much that she sees danger everywhere even when it's not there. The world has programed her mind to see red all around and she is not even aware. She gets into bed and tries forcing herself to sleep, but her mind is keeping her awake replaying everything that went on during the day. She eventually cries herself to sleep knowing clearly that tomorrow, the same thing awaits her.