For as long as I can recall I ‘ve never been a fan of making phone calls or receiving them. For a long time, I had no idea why but to be honest I never even cared to give it much thought. I was comfortable with not receiving or making them and I always told people that I preferred texts, and no one ever bothered to ask me why. Things got tricky though when I got a job as an administrator/ receptionist and I had to answer the phone all day, every day. I struggled, I would get so scared, my heart would pump faster, and I would feel like it's going to come out of my mouth every time the phone rang. I would pray that the phone may not ring which was impossible, but I prayed, nonetheless. I was struggling and I couldn't talk to anyone about it, I didn't think anyone would understand when I didn't understand it myself.
As time went on however, it got better. I still didn't want to make calls though, I still felt like a sheep that is being taken to a slaughterhouse every time I had to make one, but I was no longer panicking a lot when the phone rang. This fear of phone calls continued, I remember when my husband and I first met it was an issue. He loved phone calls and he wanted to call me all the time, I dreaded phone calls I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide every time he called. I have no idea how many times I told him I preferred texts, but he would still call anyway (yeah, he is quite stubborn).
It was only when I started going for therapy that I got to think deeply about this fear, I had to try and figure out where it came from and what caused it. I was still struggling a lot and it seemed to be getting worse than better. It didn't even matter who was calling, I would get so anxious, I would just stare at the phone and let it ring until it stops. I would then send text apologizing for missing the call, which was a lie and always made me feel bad.
Therapy helped me realize that I feared sounding stupid, I would rather not talk at all than to talk and sound stupid. All of this stems from my fear people which was caused by all the bullying I went through and also my fear of rejection. If I say something stupid, people are going to laugh at me and they are going to say mean things about me, or they are going to think that I’m the dumbest person ever and not want to be my friends. I realized that this was the same reason I hated phone calls, they make me so anxious, I don't want to sound dumb, so I overthink everything I say, and I keep thinking about what the other person is thinking. At the end of the phone call, I’m left feeling exhausted and drained, the overthinking does not stop there, I start criticizing every single word I said and feel even more drained. And also, I hate those awkward moments of silence during a phone call, they just make my anxiety worse.
With texting it's different. When texting I’m able to take my time before responding to think hard on what I want to say and how I want to say it, and I get to proofread my text a thousand times to make sure there are no errors and that I sound smart. I can even leave the messages there to read and reply to them later on when I have the capacity. Phone calls do not allow me that luxury, therefore they make me feel so forced to talk even when I don't feel like it, they make me feel so exposed, they make me feel so naked. I don't like feeling exposed, I don't like feeling like my intelligence is at stake. I don't like feeling unprotected and unsafe and that is why I struggle even in physical conversations and social situations. I won’t even talk about video calls; they make me feel even more exposed because not only my intelligence is at stake but my face too. The more hidden my intelligence and face are, the safer I feel. Unfortunately, this is one of the demons I’m still battling with, I’m always scared of what the other person thinks of me, I'm always scared of what they think when I say something. I’m well aware that most of the time it's all in my head, people are probably not even thinking anything, but I’m still scared. People have been quite mean to me so I don't trust them, people have hurt me, so I fear them, I just never feel safe, not even over the phone.